The Abuser in Denial

First published on Verbal and Emotional Abuse on Suite101

By: Dr. Sam Vaknin

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Abusers regularly deny the abuse ever took place – or rationalize their abusive behaviors. Denial is an integral part of the abuser's ability to "look at himself/herself in the mirror".

There are many types of denial. When confronted by his victims, most abusers tend to shift blame or avoid the topic altogether.

1. Outright Denial

Typical retorts by the abuser: "It never happened, or it was not abuse, you are just imagining it, or you want to hurt my (the abuser's) feelings."

Common sentences when challenged: "It was your fault, you, or your behavior, or the circumstances, provoked me into such behavior."

Usual convoluted explanations: "I did it for you, in your best interests."

Recurring themes: "What I did to you was not abuse – it was common and accepted behavior (at the time, or in the context of the prevailing culture or in accordance with social norms), it was not meant as abuse."

Abusers frequently have narcissistic traits. As such, they are more concerned with appearance than with substance. Dependent for Narcissistic Supply on the community – neighbors, colleagues, co-workers, bosses, friends, extended family – they cultivate an unblemished reputation for honesty, industriousness, religiosity, reliability, and conformity.

(continued below)

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Forms of Denial in Public

Characteristic admonitions: "We don't do dirty laundry publicly, the family's honor and repute must be preserved, what will the neighbors say?"

Dire and ominous scenarios: "If you snitch and inform the authorities, they will take me (the abusive parent) away and the whole family will disintegrate."

Confronting the abuser with incontrovertible proof of his abusive behavior is one way of minimizing contact with him. Abusers – like the narcissists that they often are – cannot tolerate criticism or disagreement (more about it here).

Other stratagems for making your abuser uncomfortable and, thus, giving him a recurrent incentive to withdraw – here and here.

About the grandiosity gap that underlies the narcissistic abuser's inability to face reality – here and here.

Other tactics of avoiding contact are the subject of the next article.

Continue ...

RESOURCES

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Also Read:

The Toxic Relationships Study List

"Trauma Bonding" and the Psychology of Torture

Traumas as Social Interactions

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Ask Sam on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder Support Group - Part I

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