Grandiosity and Intimacy: The Roots of Paranoia
By: Dr. Sam Vaknin
Click HERE to Watch the Video
Malignant Self Love - Buy the Book - Click HERE!!!
Relationships with Abusive Narcissists - Buy the e-Books - Click HERE!!!
READ THIS: Scroll down to
review a complete list of the articles - Click on the blue-coloured
Bookmark this Page - and SHARE IT with Others!
Paranoid ideation - the narcissist's deep-rooted conviction that he is being persecuted by his inferiors, detractors, or powerful ill-wishers - serves two psychodynamic purposes. It upholds the narcissist's grandiosity and it fends off intimacy.
Grandiosity Enhancing Paranoia
Being the target of relentless, ubiquitous, and unjust persecution proves to the paranoid narcissist how important and feared he is. Being hounded by the mighty and the privileged validates his pivotal role in the scheme of things. Only vital, weighty, crucial, essential principals are thus bullied and intimidated, followed and harassed, stalked and intruded upon - goes his unconscious inner dialog. The narcissist consistently baits authority figures into punishing him and thus into upholding his delusional self-image as worthy of their attention. This provocative behaviour is called Projective Identification.
The paranoid delusions of the narcissist are always grandiose, "cosmic", or "historical". His pursuers are influential and formidable. They are after his unique possessions, out to exploit his expertise and special traits, or to force him to abstain and refrain from certain actions. The narcissist feels that he is at the centre of intrigues and conspiracies of colossal magnitudes.
Alternatively, the narcissist feels victimized by mediocre bureaucrats and intellectual dwarves who consistently fail to appreciate his outstanding - really, unparalleled - talents, skills, and accomplishments. Being haunted by his challenged inferiors substantiates the narcissist's comparative superiority. Driven by pathological envy, these pygmies collude to defraud him, badger him, deny him his due, denigrate, isolate, and ignore him.
The narcissist projects onto this second class of lesser persecutors his own deleterious emotions and transformed aggression: hatred, rage, and seething jealousy.
The narcissist's paranoid streak is likeliest to erupt when he lacks Narcissistic Supply. The regulation of his labile sense of self-worth is dependent upon external stimuli - adoration, adulation, affirmation, applause, notoriety, fame, infamy, and, in general, attention of any kind.
When such attention is deficient, the narcissist compensates by confabulating. He constructs ungrounded narratives in which he is the protagonist and uses them to force his human environment into complicity.
Put simply, he provokes people to pay attention to him by misbehaving or behaving oddly.
Intimacy Retarding Paranoia
Paranoia is use by the narcissist to ward off or reverse intimacy. The narcissist is threatened by intimacy because it reduces him to ordinariness by exposing his weaknesses and shortcomings and by causing him to act "normally". The narcissist also dreads the encounter with his deep buried emotions - hurt, envy, anger, aggression - likely to be foisted on him in an intimate relationship.
The paranoid narrative legitimizes intimacy repelling behaviours such as keeping one's distance, secrecy, aloofness, reclusion, aggression, intrusion on privacy, lying, desultoriness, itinerancy, unpredictability, and idiosyncratic or eccentric reactions. Gradually, the narcissist succeeds to alienate and wear down all his friends, colleagues, well-wishers, and mates.
Even his closest, nearest, and dearest, his family - feel emotionally detached and "burnt out".
The paranoid narcissist ends life as an oddball recluse - derided, feared, and loathed in equal measures. His paranoia - exacerbated by repeated rejections and ageing - pervades his entire life and diminishes his creativity, adaptability, and functioning. The narcissist personality, buffeted by paranoia, turns ossified and brittle. Finally, atomized and useless, it succumbs and gives way to a great void. The narcissist is consumed.
Counterintuitively, with paranoid intimate partners, it is better to share everything and to be utterly and unmitigatingly honest. No matter how bad and hurtful, reality always comforts them because it is so much less egregious and menacing than their own suspicions, paranoid scenarios, and hypervigilance. The paranoid's best friend is reality and his worst enemy is his rampant, morbid, catastrophizing imagination.
She: I like (this man at work) a lot. I am attracted to him.
He: She is honest and trustworthy. If something happens with that man she will tell me. It is only human to be attracted to other people. I am also telling her when I find other women attractive. Sharing honestly makes me feel safe, secure, and good. Makes me feel that I am on top of the situation (in control). I will never be hurt and surprised because I will always know everything in advance.
She: (NOT SHARING because she is conflict-averse)
He: She is human and, therefore, she is probably attracted to other men. But she is not telling me. She is not sharing with me her attraction to other men. She is being dishonest with me. Who knows what else she is not telling me. She is probably fucking some of these men that she is attracted to and not telling me about. I feel threatened, unsafe, insecure, deceived, cheated, and stabbed in the back. Things are getting out of control. I must end this.
Click HERE to Watch the Video
People with certain
personality disorders (mainly borderline, narcissistic, compulsive-obsessive,
schizotypal, and paranoid) have a "persecutory
object". It is a tormenting, devaluing, and sadistic inner voice
(introject). It repeatedly and authoritatively informs them that they are bad,
worthless, weak, immoral, and a disappointment. It is can the outcome of a
failed attempt to internalize a cathected object (parent or intimate partner,
most often). Such a failure is common when the object behave in ways which defy
or contradict the patientís grandiose fantasies and self-perception or
frustrate the patientís attempts to merge or fuse with the object.
Such an inner critic, a relentless integrated prosecutor and judge is of course intolerable. In an attempt to exorcise it, the patient projects it - usually onto an intimate partner. The spouse, mate, or lover then become the outer embodiment or reification of the internal agonizing construct.
The persecutory object also
serves as an organizing and explanatory principle. The patientís inner
processes and life events are accounted for by attributing them to the
nefarious presence, intentions, and actions of the malicious intimate partner.
Even the patientís attachment to her spouse is interpreted as the lamentable
outcome of brainwashing and manipulation. Everything that goes wrong in the
patientís tortured existence is her partnerís fault, an almost supernatural
emanation from his malevolence or, at the very least, indifference and
The patient tries to coerce and shoehorn the intimate partner into behaving in a way that upholds his newfound status as an enemy and a threat. This defense mechanism is known as "projective identification". If the intimate partner has his own issues, he will comply in his assigned role and transform himself into an abuser ("introjective identification"). The patient then proceeds to rebel against her externalized persecutory object (=her intimate partner), punish, and defy him by behaving promiscuously and cheating ("being a slut or whore"); envying and sabotaging her partner's career; passive-aggressively challenging and provoking him; humiliating, rejecting, and undermining his well-being and self-esteem; compromising his public image and standing in society; and penalizing him in myriad other ways.
Naturally, the patient then expects a penalty commensurate with her egregious misbehavior. She becomes paranoid, hypervigilant, and exceedingly anxious. These dissonant emotions only augment her perception of the intimate partner as a source of unmitigated sadistic control and judgment, an imminent and omnipresent threat, and the fount of ambivalence (love-hate relationship).
From "The Delusional Way Out":
"The narcissist then resorts to self-delusion. Unable to completely ignore contrarian opinion and data - he transmutes them. Unable to face the dismal failure that he is, the narcissist partially withdraws from reality. To soothe and salve the pain of disillusionment, he administers to his aching soul a mixture of lies, distortions, half-truths and outlandish interpretations of events around him. These solutions can be classified thus:
This article appears in my book, "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited"
Click HERE to buy the print edition from Barnes and Noble
Click HERE to buy the print edition from the publisher and receive a BONUS PACK
Click HERE to buy electronic books (e-books) and video lectures (DVDs) about narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships
Click HERE to buy the ENTIRE SERIES of sixteen electronic books (e-books) about narcissists, psychopaths, and abuse in relationships
The Delusional Narrative Solutions
The narcissist constructs a narrative in which he figures as the hero - brilliant, perfect, irresistibly handsome, destined for great things, entitled, powerful, wealthy, the centre of attention, etc. The bigger the strain on this delusional charade - the greater the gap between fantasy and reality - the more the delusion coalesces and solidifies.
Finally, if it is sufficiently protracted, it replaces reality and the narcissist's reality test deteriorates. He withdraws his bridges and may become Schizotypal, catatonic, or schizoid.
The Reality Renouncing Solutions
The narcissist renounces reality. To his mind, those who pusillanimously fail to recognize his unbound talents, innate superiority, overarching brilliance, benevolent nature, entitlement, cosmically important mission, perfection, etc. - do not deserve consideration. The narcissist's natural affinity with the criminal - his lack of empathy and compassion, his deficient social skills, his disregard for social laws and morals - now erupts and blossoms. He becomes a full fledged antisocial (sociopath or psychopath). He ignores the wishes and needs of others, he breaks the law, he violates all rights - natural and legal, he hold people in contempt and disdain, he derides society and its codes, he punishes the ignorant ingrates - that, to his mind, drove him to this state - by acting criminally and by jeopardizing their safety, lives, or property.
The Paranoid Schizoid Solution
The narcissist develops persecutory delusions. He perceives slights and insults where none were intended. He becomes subject to ideas of reference (people are gossiping about him, mocking him, prying into his affairs, cracking his e-mail, etc.). He is convinced that he is the centre of malign and mal-intentioned attention. People are conspiring to humiliate him, punish him, abscond with his property, delude him, impoverish him, confine him physically or intellectually, censor him, impose on his time, force him to action (or to inaction), frighten him, coerce him, surround and besiege him, change his mind, part with his values, even murder him, and so on.
Some narcissists withdraw completely from a world populated with such minacious and ominous objects (really projections of internal objects and processes). They avoid all social contact, except the most necessary.
They refrain from meeting people, falling in love, having sex, talking to others, or even corresponding with them. In short: they become schizoids - not out of social shyness, but out of what they feel to be their choice.
'The world does not deserve me' - goes the inner refrain - 'and I shall waste none of my time and resources on it.'
The Paranoid Aggressive (Explosive) Solution
Other narcissists who develop persecutory delusions, resort to an aggressive stance, a more violent resolution of their internal conflict. They become verbally, psychologically, situationally (and, very rarely, physically) abusive. They insult, castigate, chastise, berate, demean, and deride their nearest and dearest (often well wishers and loved ones). They explode in unprovoked displays of indignation, righteousness, condemnation, and blame.
Theirs is an exegetic Bedlam. They interpret everything - even the most innocuous, inadvertent, and innocent - as designed to provoke and humiliate them. They sow fear, revulsion, hate, and malignant envy. They flail against the windmills of reality - a pathetic, forlorn, sight. But often they cause real and lasting damage - fortunately, mainly to themselves."
The Masochistic Avoidant Solution
The narcissist is angered by the lack of narcissistic supply. He directs some of this fury inwards, punishing himself for his "failure". This masochistic behavior has the added "benefit" of forcing the narcissist's closest to assume the roles of dismayed spectators or of persecutors and thus, either way, to pay him the attention that he craves.
Self-administered punishment often manifests as self-handicapping masochism - a narcissistic cop-out. By undermining his work, his relationships, and his efforts, the increasingly fragile narcissist avoids additional criticism and censure (negative supply). Self-inflicted failure is the narcissist's doing and thus proves that he is the master of his own fate.
Masochistic narcissists keep finding themselves in self-defeating circumstances which render success impossible - and "an objective assessment of their performance improbable" (Millon, 2000). They act carelessly, withdraw in mid-effort, are constantly fatigued, bored, or disaffected and thus passive-aggressively sabotage their lives. Their suffering is defiant and by "deciding to abort" they reassert their omnipotence.
The narcissist's pronounced and public misery and self-pity are compensatory and "reinforce self-esteem against overwhelming convictions of worthlessness" (Millon, 2000). His tribulations and anguish render him, in his eyes, unique, saintly, virtuous, righteous, resilient, and significant. They are, in other words, self-generated narcissistic supply.
Millon, Theodore and Davis, Roger - Personality Disorders in Modern Life, 2nd Edition - New York, John Wiley and Sons, 2000
This material is copyrighted.
Free, unrestricted use is allowed on a non commercial basis.
The author's name and a link to this Website must be incorporated in any reproduction of the material for any use and by any means.