Sam Vaknin’s Instagram Epigrams (archive only)
Narcissism with Vaknin on Instagram (active account)
Nothing new under the sun. History of modern love and sex: locus of power and control, type of sex. Every generation ADDS to repertory, so today enormous diversity of models and options.
2010-
Casual sex bad and dangerous, sometimes a form of self-harming (self-trashing): sex recession, celibacy
technology empowered atomization: self-sufficiency, relative positioning, fetishization of devices, addictive behaviors
Infantilization: puberty starts and ends years later, continuing education, living with parents, no jobs, not driving, not drinking, no unsupervised socializing, no adulthood markers, no committed relationships, marriage postponed
Between ages 30-40 difficult to find partners: men won’t commit, women despair and withdraw, no intimacy or relationship skills (“dating assignments”)
31% lifelong singles, another 30% single most of the time
Depression, anxiety, suicide on the rise among the young
Until the industrial revolution:
arranged,
economic,
family is work unit,
women’s wealth goes to man,
man’s wealth inherited, mobility only for younger siblings
rare divorce,
sex procreative,
men outsource sex,
brawn over brain
Industrial revolution to 1920
Singles in crowded cities
Functions of family outsourced (education in factory schools, healthcare, work), except succor and sex
Gentleman caller (chaperoned)
Women as gatekeepers
Emergence of romantic love, desire
1920-1950
Shortage of men owing to wars (makeup only for women: sexy, not sexual, self-objectification, spectatoring)
Automobile, phone, classified ads, cinema
Dating: fun, first and second base sex common, multiple partners (essentially casual sex)
Dating in college as status marker
Men pay, so have the power
1950-1960
Going steady: sex only in intimate relationships
Stay at home women more conservative than previous generations, men as providers
1960-1990
Golden age of sex:
free love,
college parties,
feminism,
women empowered by the pill, employment, breaking the glass ceiling
sex with multiple casual partners as an option but always leads to abundant sex in relationships, few singles
harbinger: first dating app in 1965
1990-2010
Hookup culture in colleges where women outnumber men 2:1
Casual sex normative and encouraged until age 30
Porn as sex ed
Dating apps
Relationships perceived as threat (obstacles to career and self-actualization)
References
Why Are Young People Having So Little Sex? Kate Julian, The Atlantic, December 2018
The Talk: How Adults Can Promote Young People’s Healthy Relationships and Prevent Misogyny and Sexual Harassment, Richard Weissbourd with Trisha Ross Anderson, Alison Cashin, and Joe McIntyre, Making Caring Common Project
Sexual Hookup Culture: A Review, Justin R. Garcia,Chris Reiber,Sean G. Massey, Ann M. Merriwether, Rev Gen Psychol. 2012 June 1; 16(2): 161–176. doi:10.1037/a0027911.
Sexual Hook-up Culture, Continuing Education Corner
Declines in Sexual Frequency among American Adults, 1989–2014, Jean M. Twenge, Brooke E. Wells, Ryne A Sherman, Article in Archives of Sexual Behavior · November 2017, DOI: 10.1007/s10508-017-0953-1
Why Humans Have Sex, Cindy M. Meston Æ David M. Buss, Arch Sex Behav (2007) 36:477–507, DOI 10.1007/s10508-007-9175-2
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Low tolerance for uncertainty, a tendency to
catastrophize, and generalized anxiety often result in addictive or
obsessive-compulsive behaviors intended to
either suppress the discomfort or ritually fend off “bad things”, respectively.
Obsession-compulsion and addiction also involve
dissociation either as a cause or as an effect. This is why
obsessive-compulsives check time and again whether they had locked the door and
why addicts have such patchy memories.
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Crossed the 200,000 subscribers goalpost, despite YouTube doing its worst to derank (shadowban) my work and hide it from view. More than 41,000,000 views on the first YouTube channel on narcissism.
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In my work with alcoholics, I found these three simple steps to be very potent (they
are elements of aversive therapy):
1. Wrap every bottle of alcohol in a white sheet
of paper. Make finger width marks on the paper. As you pour out of the bottle,
scissor out the part of the paper which represents the consumed alcohol.
2. Start a drinking diary. Note down every single
drink: the hour of the day, type of alcohol, the precise quantity, the
aftermath (how did it make you feel psychologically and physiologically).
Start your day every day by reading ALL the
previous entries in your journal.
3. Aim to reduce your drinking by 10% of the
residual quantity a day. In other words: 10% of the total on the first day, 10%
of the remaining 90% on the second day, 10% of the remaining 81% on the third
day, etc.
Good luck. Try these steps. They take little time
and are surprisingly efficient at modifying drinking habits.
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The fourth volume in the series “The Narcissist on Instagram” has just been released.
Opinionated briefs on:
I. Scams, Scandals, and Scoundrels
II. Men, Women, Gender Wars
III. Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Other Predators
IV. Sex and Intimacy: Forgotten Arts
V. Democracy, History, and Other Fictions
VI. Me, Me, and Me
VII. Public Intellect, Private Rants
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The fourth edition of “The Death of Sex and the
Demise of Monogamy” is twice the size of its predecessor.
Sex is dead as is monogamous marriage. What will
replace them? read about alternative lifestyles (such as swinging), sexual
preferences (such as bi- and homosexuality), sexual paraphilias (such as
incest, fetishism, and pedophilia), and the role of malignant narcissism in the
disintegration of all relationships between men and women.
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Transactional
sex is any exchange of sexual services for goods,
services, and benefits, however minimal - or for the promise of such in the
future, within a relationship, a perceived liaison (fantasy), or
extradyadically.
A multitude of studies had demonstrated the strong
connection between unrestricted sociosexuality, dark triad traits (subclinical
psychopathy, Machiavellianism), self-focused sexual motivation, and the Ludic
(game-playing, manipulative) love style.
A transactional attitude to sex was also
correlated with a borderline personality organization: impulsivity, dysregulation,
compulsivity, anxiety, a history of trauma or victimization, unstable
interpersonal relationships, and low self-esteem.
Unexpectedly, multiple studies have shown that
subclinical narcissism is not correlated with a propensity for transactional
sex.
People who are into transactional sex often
mistake their involvement (emotional investment in the goal or the project) as
“love” or “intimacy”.
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The New York Times published yesterday an opinion piece
against marriage, calling on people to remain single. It is titled: “What Does
Marriage Ask Us to Give Up?” And the answer: “Our hard won independence as
singles”.
What this odious op-ed wants you to think is that
all marriages are bad and that the ONLY alternative to marriage is to be
single. Both assumptions are of course totally FALSE.
To resolve the onerous cognitive dissonance of
loneliness, singlehood had become an ideology.
Everyone - men and women - are expected to be career-oriented, cherish
money above all else, and act unrestricted
sociosexually (be casual about sex). This is the new unigender role and its
attendant social and sexual scripts.
According to Pew Center, maintaining one’s career
is 2.2 times more important than being in a committed relationship. Only about
HALF trust their partner FOR ANYTHING (with the exception of faithfulness).
Embarking on a relationship and “catching
feelings” are, therefore, threats to one’s narcissistic self-actualization best
fended off by keeping sex emotionless, meaningless, and never with the same
person.
The 20% of the population who are promiscuous by
nature thrive in this culture of hookups (and bad, drunk sex). They remain
single for life.
Unrestricted sociosexuality is correlated with
subclinical psychopathy, substance abuse, and extraversion.
The remaining 80%, having endured the vagaries and
dangers of modern “dating”, recoil. About 60% end up in a succession of
committed liaisons (marriage, cohabitation). The remaining 20% go celibate and
become lifelong singles.
All told, only about half the adult population
share their lives with someone intimate. The rest are equally divided between
celibate singles and sexually active singles who are exclusively into
intoxicated one night stands and anonymous group sex.
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Sex is an act of love. Love is not merely a sex act.
When sex is confused for or conflated with love,
there is no love and no (good) sex.
Psychopaths often mistake the two (unrestricted
sociosexuality is associated with dark triad personalities).
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The elements of the Dark Triad personality include Machiavellianism, subclinical narcissism, and subclinical psychopathy. The Dark Tetrad added everyday sadism. I propose a new construct: the Dark Pentagram Personality which will incorporate borderline personality and covert narcissism, but not everyday sadism (which overlaps psychopathy).
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The cerebral
narcissist may be celibate, but he is not asexual.
He is not interested in sex per se, only as a way
to:
1. Prove to himself his uniqueness and
irresistibility (which is why he avoids casual sex with promiscuous women); or
2. Get a woman to fall in love with him and them
reject her offhand and push her to cheat on him in her desperation and pain; or
3. Establish a new shared fantasy for the
provision of 2 out of 3 Ss: services and narcissistic or sadistic supply- but
not sex.
In long term shared fantasies, cerebral
narcissists often develop ED (erectile dysfunction) or PE (premature
ejaculation) as well as disinterest in or even aversion to sex.
The cerebral’s callous misconduct is often
misinterpreted as misogyny, but actually it is a compulsive reenactment of
earlier childhood conflicts with a parental figure or caregiver.
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The other day I was asked why I am not
protecting my numerous novel ideas from being pilfered and plagiarized continuously by many people.
I answered: "You cannot and should not
“protect” ideas. They are not yours – they are humanity’s. You are just their
vessel, a conduit, their temporary custodian."
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Intimate
relationships and love ("catching
feelings") are now perceived by the majority of people under 35 as a
double whammy: a massive disruption to one's career and a surefire path to
being abused and "played" (exploited).
This unprecedented view of interpersonal liaisons
led to a mounting “loneliness gap” pandemic and resulted in four coping
strategies:
1. The sociosexually unrestricted (about 20%)
remain lifelong singles and play the field in bouts of stranger casual sex and
group sex;
2. About 20% avoid all meaningful human contact,
sex included. They become schizoid and celibate;
3. Growing numbers turn to same sex dyads. A
whopping 1 in 6 women are now lesbian. “Safe” friendships and even intimate
relationships between straight and gay are all the rage;
4. Even when in serial relationships, most young
people are distrustful and engage in power plays and mind games intended to
secure the upper hand. It is all about avoiding being played and not ending up
being a loser.
Infidelity is rife and weaponized and is now
virtually universal: every year, one in six cheat on their partner
(cumulatively, about 60% of both men and women do the deed throughout the life
of the relationship).
Strife and myriad forms of abuse (including
emotional absence and sex withdrawal) are the norm in these dystopian unions.
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In two articles published in 2001 and again in
2008, I predicted an armed attack on the houses
of Congress on January 20, 2021.
I was off by 14 days. The insurrection took place
on January 6, 2021.
Here is the last paragraph of the text I wrote and
published in 2001:
“So, what were the roots and causes of the Second
Civil War?
None of the above in isolation - and all of the
above in confluence. For decades, the citizenry's trust in a packed and rigged
Supreme Court declined. Politicians came to be regarded as a detached and
heartless plutocracy. Americans felt orphaned, cheated, and robbed. The
national consensus - the implicit agreement that together is better than alone
- has thus evaporated. The outcome was the shots and explosions that rocked the
United States (and the world in tow) on January 20, 2021."
Read the original article here: https://samvak.tripod.com/civilwar.html
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Loving someone requires courage. Being vulnerable open you up to malice, hostility, and
aggression. It also transforms you, getting rid of your old self. But you need
top take this leap of faith to grow and heal and complete yourself.
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Fraternities are associations of mostly white, affluent, privileged,
straight male students, ensconced in their own housing, and granted a monopoly
on serving alcohol and throwing all night parties on campus. Sororities are
denied these concessions. So much for gender studies and women’s lib lip
service in higher education.
Since their inception, fraternities have been
cesspools and incubators of toxic masculinity and misogyny: gang rapes and
sexual assaults are par for the course - as is hazing.
The only reason these miasmas are left to fester
is money, capitalism’s sole divinity.
Fraternities save colleges the need to invest in
dormitories. They serve to promote and reify the “fun” aspect of collegiate
life and thus constitute a selling point in student recruitment. Their alumni
donate four to five times more money to their alma maters that non-frats.
When education is considered just another
business, money talks and the patriarchy is on full display, as virulently
alive as ever.
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In 1997, I coined the phrase: "narcissism epidemic". It is now endemic: the new normal and bon ton. We are
all suffering from its aftereffects one way or another. Like so many lemmings,
we are headed off a cliff. Is there hope? A solution?
Interview with Saralee Cassidy on the FlowGrow
Experience Podcast/Empower Hour, Limerick City Community Radio:
https://www.lccr.ie/podcasts.php
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Why do anxious people habitually
procrastinate, then become anxious and insomniac?
Anxiety and insomnia are the anxious person’s
oldest friends. They are his comfort zone. So he procrastinates IN ORDER to
experience the familiar and safe anxiety and insomnia. It is a ritual that
renders the world predictable and structured, a form of obsession-compulsion.
Deep inside, the procrastinator engages in magical
thinking: he just “knows” that everything will work itself out ultimately.
Procrastinating is a way to test himself and
reaffirm (somewhat grandiosely) his superior skills and mental acuity.
During the phase of procrastinating, the anxious
catastrophize the delinquency and its outcomes IN ORDER to experience anxiety
(and its malevolent twin, insomnia).
This is the grandiose purgatory cliffhanger: can I
pull it through this time? Will I make it? A veritable nailbiter.
Then when he does pull it through and makes it in
the nick of time and against all odds - relief washes all over him.
It is sheer biochemistry:
Backing himself into a corner
Extreme anxiety (attendant insomnia)
Success, winging it, making it in the last moment.
Extreme anxiolytic relief.
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Is your relationship abusive but not dead or beyond hope? How to tell relationships apart and what can you do to
revive your partnership?
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Why do women participate in swinging (The Lifestyle),
gangbangs, dogging, camming, and other forms of multiparty kinky sex?
The few who venture out with strangers and without
the presence of an intimate partner are dark triad personalities and, typically
reckless primary (factor 1) psychopaths, acting out borderlines (factor 2
psychopaths), or histrionic narcissists - all more or less one and the same
diagnosis, according to emerging current research.
The risks involved, breaching the taboo, being the
center of male attention and desire, and the novelty arouse them.
It is a dual trip of power and ego and also a way
of showing the middle finger - and much more besides - to social mores and
conventions, including the male double standard.
But even these hardened Amazons ultimately seek
acceptance, to be “liked or loved”, and to belong (to a gang, to a man they
fancy). Their deep motivation is nonautonomous.
The codependents among these women strive to
enhance the intimacy with their existing partners by sharing these unusual
experiences. These are usually communal psychopaths.
All of them share an instrumental view of sex: as
a trade off for goods and services, a prop to self-esteem, or a method to fend
off abandonment.
They tend to dissociate the mostly degrading sex.
They numb their emotions and have reduced affect display.
Some of them embed their activities in the context
of a victimhood narrative (feminism) or an ideology (empowerment) while
allowing multiple men to objectify and disempower them in the hookup culture,
for example.
Decoupling sex from true and deep emotions
protects the participants from trauma and renders swinging couples happier
(more ego syntonic) than vanilla coupled, studies show.
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Not
everyone is built to be in a relationship.
There are different attachment styles and the insecure ones predict recurrent
relationship failure.
Across multiple studies, at least 15% of adults
state that they are much more comfortable and content being alone. 31% of
adults are lifelong singles. The majority of the rest are immured in abusive,
dead, or ephemeral pseudo-relationships.
Intimacy and love are lost arts and outliers, not
the norm.
The problem is that some people feel threatened or
constrained by love and intimacy in longer committed relationships.
They anticipate failure, hurt, misery, and discord
- so, preemptively, as an anxiolytic strategy, they bring about these very
outcomes by repeatedly adopting dysfunctional behaviors (“let the other shoe
drop”).
These relationship misfits subvert and undermine
their relationships and gain “intimacy” and acceptance and faux warmth via sex
with strangers, even groups of strangers. They feel “liked”, even “loved” in a
“connection” when in casual, drunk encounters with anonymous partners.
Typically, they experience dissonance with their
choices and they resolve it by dissociating, numbing their emotions, abusing substances,
and reduced affect display. Some convert their ego dystony into a narrative
ideology of empowerment.
People who dread intimacy feel a lot more
unencumbered with strangers. They use fantasy to compensate for the low level
of intimacy in these seedy and unsatisfactory exploitative and predatory
encounters.
Many of them finally give up on the chase and
settle into a career-centered life of celibacy and self-sufficiency.
Dynamic-maturational model of attachment and adaptation teaches us that the majority of attachment strategies lead to relationship failures.
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Narcissists convert children into sources of narcissistic supply and parentify them. They
treat them as extensions of themselves and weaponize them in their attempts to
destroy you and get back at you.
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The age of testosterone (patriarchy) was defined by territorial aggression and sexual procreation. It was followed by a 200 year interlude: the age of oxytocin, a prosocial bonding hormone. Romanticism inexorably led to feminism and ushered in the age of atomized hedonism and addictive, individualistic, pleasure-seeking dopamine.
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Richard
Grannon summarizes my insights perfectly: "The
narcissist, be they male or female, becomes your mother and they are inviting
you to become their mother and now you are in this symbiosis of feeding each
other narcissistic supply".
The full convo is available on both our channels.
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Rebelliousness
in adolescence is a critical phase of transitioning from
identity diffusion to identity formation. The pubertal core constellates in
opposition to elders and reference and deference to peers.
But in self-destructive teens, the process goes
awry. Boys channel their mutiny into aggression and antisocial behaviors. Girls
become promiscuous and self-trash sexually and recklessly. Both fail to find
sublimatory (socially condoned) channels for their differentiation.
The abuse of substances abuse serves to resolve or
mask the ominous torsion of raging cognitive dissonances. Both depression and
anxiety disorders are rife.
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In
relationships with borderlines, the narcissist offers unconditional love and parentifies himself: the
borderline stands in for his dead mother and affords him a second chance to
fix/heal/rescue/save her and, by extension, himself.
In relationships with non-borderlines, narcissist
and intimate partners both are good enough maternal figures in a shared fantasy
(“fake family”).
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Self-destructive
and self-defeating behaviors can be
grouped into the following categories:
1. Sexual self-trashing;
2. Morally injurious conduct (breaching ethical
edicts and mores and negating the rights of others);
3. Antisocial comport and delinquency;
4. Self-sabotage (procrastination, compromising
faux pas in public, etc.);
5. Abuse of substances (including overeating,
smoking, alcoholism, and doing drugs);
6. Relationship dysfunctions (avoiding or
undermining intimacy with a partner via maltreatment, absence, withdrawal, or
acting out).
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Borderline twin anxieties: abandonment and engulfment. Both put borderline in touch
with her schizoid core (emptiness), negates her existence
Approach-avoidance repetition compulsion
Sudden change in behavior:
At the beginning of the relationship, she feels
focus of attention and in control (internal locus)
Then, daily life gives rise to the twin anxieties
(external locus) and she reacts with acting out (psychopathic self-state).
Dual mothering
In relationships with non-borderlines, narcissist
and intimate partners are good enough maternal figures in a shared fantasy
(“fake family”).
In relationships with borderlines, the narcissist
offers unconditional love and parentifies himself: the borderline is a dead
mother and affords him a second chance to fix/heal/rescue/save her and, by
extension, himself.
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The current dichotomous taxonomy of sociosexual orientation is lacking.
People with restricted sociosexuality crave sex
only with committed, emotionally meaningful relationships.
The unrestricted kind are turned on by casual and
stranger sex but have difficulties with intimacy and fidelity in long-term
relationships.
A third category is missing: dysregulated
sociosexuality. These are people who are exhibitionistic, sadomasochistic and otherwise
paraphiliac. They tend to prefer kink, group sex, extreme stranger sex (like
dogging and glory holes), live camming, and self-objectifying sexual encounters.
Psychopathy and extraversion are highly correlated
with unrestricted sociosexuality. They may also be the dark triad drivers of
the dysregulated variant.
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Female
promiscuity and mate poaching rise in
societies (e.g., Baltic states, Russia) and environments (for instance:
colleges) with adverse sex ratios (fewer men than women).
But the same applies when men absent themselves by
going abstinent and celibate or by refusing to commit and invest in long term
relationships.
These male avoidant behaviors create a virtual gap
that affects sexual strategies of both sexes and tilt them towards short-term
mating (aka casual sex).
We need to come up with a new measure: sex
availability ratio. How many men and women make themselves known in the sexual
marketplace at any given moment. This is a much more accurate predictor of the
evolution and prevalence of sociosexual scripts.
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To crave something, one must know it well.
Take love, for example.
Maybe you are just afraid to love.
You sure know what the ABSENCE of love feels like.
But the absence of love amounts to a great
definition of love, it captures its essence.
If we constantly miss something because we have
never had it - we get to know it intimately through the gnawing sense of its
bitter and familiar vacancy and our own concomitant incompleteness.
We are never whole until we have embraced our
desires.
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There is love even in mathematics: it is called
a cardioid.
When one circle rolls around another, identical circle,
any point on its circumference traces the shape of a curvy heart with a rounded
edge.
More about my work in physics: https://samvak.tripod.com/time.html
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Studies in the past 40 years have upended
everything we thought we knew about female sexuality in the
West. A few nuggets:
Women orgasm mostly from digital or oral clitoral
stimulation. Penetration doesn’t do it for them.
Women are likelier to cheat during estrus
(ovulation).
Women are three times more likely to be lesbian
than men are to be homosexual.
Women prefer good looking men for one night stands
and men with a stable income for long-term relationships. No wonder sexlessness
in couples (21%) and infidelity (45%) are off the charts. The numbers are
likely massively underreported.
The two main sexual fantasies of women are: to be
kidnapped and raped and to participate in an orgy or a gangbang. But only about
8% act on their fantasies.
Women desire casual sex (though not as much as men
do), but are deterred by considerations of risk, social stigma, and the orgasm
gap. Removing these obstacles increases their willingness to bed even total
strangers.
Most younger women have sex usually when they are
drunk.
Women feel empowered and desired in group sex and,
having tried it, want it more than men.
Women tire of the sexual monotony of monogamy
sooner than men. Increasingly, women are the ones who avoid committed
relationships. The majority of divorces are initiated by women.
A majority of female singles turn celibate, but a
substantial minority (about 20%) lead a life of hookups, dating, and group sex
(sex parties).
Far fewer women are getting married or having -
far fewer - children. The replacement rate in all industrialized countries is
unmet. Populations are aging and declining rapidly everywhere from the UK to
Russia to China.
Women place studies, career, travel, and having
fun with friends way above having a committed relationship even as a majority
of them harbor a nebulous goal of “getting married one day”. Few mention
children even as an aspiration.
About one third of women are lifelong singles and
another one sixth are lesbians.
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Psychopaths
are hypersexual and use sex as a form of control within a
power play (e.g., in prisons, corporate settings). But Both cerebral and
somatic narcissists are asexual.
The cerebral prides himself on his superior ability
to resist sex. He renders his dysfunction an ideology and encrusts it with his
grandiosity.
The somatic weaponizes and instrumentalizes sex as
a form of instant narcissistic supply. Its sole purpose is to reaffirm his
irresistibility through an endless stream of conquests and his pyrotechnic
sexual prowess.
Both types are predatory and use sex as a form of
"false advertising" intended to acquire partners for their shared
fantasies. Mission accomplished, both go sexless within the dyad: the cerebral
becomes abstinent and the somatic cheats profusely.
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Two FACTS about happiness:
Childless folk are happier than parents
People in non-monogamous, open, non-exclusive, BDSM,
and group sex relationships are more content - and mentally healthier and more
stable - than adherents to monogamy.
What do you think of them apples? We sure had been
brainwashed and misled to believe the opposite!
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Studies in dozens of countries show that men
are loth to form long-term
relationships with promiscuous women whose
"body count" exceeds 9 sex partners (fewer in some countries). Why is
that?
For three excellent and rational reasons:
1. Men are competitive and seek high relative
positioning among their peers. A woman who had been summarily used and
discarded by multiple guys is an embarrassment ("that's the best you can
do? I and all my friends had her for free any time we wanted!").
Such a woman is "cheap" and
"easy" and investing in her renders the man a gullible sucker and a
"simp": why be the only one to pay for what she had been giving away
gratis to everyone?
2. Promiscuity had been linked to subclinical
psychopathy, time and again. It is a strong indicator of a lack of boundaries,
a weakness of character (people pleasing), or of reckless defiance. Not good
qualities to have in a partner.
3. Past behavior is an unfailing prognosticator of
future conduct. Promiscuity is strongly linked to serial cheating.
Nonautonomus sexual self-trashing driven by
the wish to be accepted and the need to buttress self-esteem by garnering
attention are addictive, lifelong behaviors.
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Psychopaths and narcissists - academics forefront - have created a dystopian world which the rest of us must inhabit and comply with, especially when it comes to sex and interpersonal relationships.
“Savage Love” is a sex and relationship column
for straight couples spewed out by Dan Savage, a gay LGBT activist.
In one of the more memorable pieces, he asks why
should you sacrifice a life you have had together and break up with your
partner or divorce him only because you find out that he has had oral sex with
someone else on a business trip.
It is not about the blowjob, Savage. No one walks
away over the physical act. It is about the betrayal, the breach of trust, and the abrogation of the explicit and
implicit contract of monogamy.
You want to be free to have sex with others?
Honestly communicate it to your mate and agree to have an open relationship,
granting her the same freedoms.
That the world’s leading relationship advice
columnist doesn’t grasp these basic tenets of decent behavior goes a long way
towards accounting for why we find ourselves in the dystopia of our
contemporary world.
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Victimhood
is big business: an initial coerced “investment” (slavery,
genocide, sexual assault) bears dividenda for a lifetime and even for
generations.
African-Americans in the USA are now demanding
reparations, totally ignoring decades of massive unilateral transfers from the
Federal and state governments.
But they are not alone in leveraging and
monetizing their past and present suffering. Native Americans and Jews had
preceded them in industrializing their undeniable egregious and cruel
mistreatment in the past.
Social justice activism is on the rise and it
attracts dark triad personalities, narcissists, and psychopaths (studies in
British Columbia) and people whose victimhood constitutes their identity (see
studies by Gabay et al., 2020).
Online covert narcissists label themselves
“empaths” and go on a rampage of unmitigated aggression against anyone who
dares challenge their supernatural skills, angelic victimhood, and moral
superiority.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Pareto,
dating, and mating: women prefer “beta” males even for one night
stands, definitely for long-term relationships. This is why Friends with
Benefits (FwB) is the dominant model for casual sex – not hookups.
Sex among people younger than 25 is on the
decline: the number of sexual partners and the frequency of sex is lower than
among previous generations.
Not hypergamy, but hypogamy: women more educated
and earn as much as men.
Women consume more pornography than men – but
text-based, not visual.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Narcissism is glorified and glamorized. The narcissist is a predator who masquerades as a good enough mother and makes you fall in love with your idealized self through his gaze.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Real
sex is soon going to be a thing of the past:
holographic porn, sex dolls, AI sex apps, VR and AR sex in the Metaverse, and
AI sex robots will easily outcompete the carbon-based versions, especially
where men are concerned.
This transition will give rise to a host of new
ethical and behavioral questions.
Two examples:
A woman who would use a futuristic haptic dildo
linked directly to her CNS (central nervous system) to penetrate a partner - is
she really a man? After all she would experience the extension exactly as a man
does his penis!
Another one:
Does sex on a trip with a gorgeous AI robot amount
to cheating on your mate?
The robot is the product of a collective of minds.
So is consummating intercourse with such a contraption a form of group sex?
And what is the meaning of the very words “sex”
and “gender” in such a world?
Gender is performative, the outcome of
socialization, an expression of dominance, and of a gendered personality. But
do all these apply to “gendered” robots?
Sex is biological, albeit fluid. Robots are
nonbiological entities. So, do they have a “sex”? What about transgendered
robot which switch from male to female in mid act?
And what does the phrase “artificial or virtual sex” mean anyhow? In which sense is full-fledged sex with
another object not “real” sex?
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Narcissist’s introject muted, yours active and
vociferous.
Narcissist theatre play: he scripts and directs, you act and prop (external locus of
control)
Current advice wrong, freezes emergent roles and,
therefore, locus.
Reverse the roles: you script and direct, he acts
and is a prop, whether he is physically present or not (introject).
Own the narcissist by appropriating his roles and
then constellate/integrate the parts
Separation-individuation on the road to recovery
and healing.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Advice online and in self-help books is often wrong and counterproductive.
Example:
There is no such thing as “wrong partner”. Your mate selection is always on point and on target.
If you are a self-loathing and self-trashing
masochist - an abusive narcissist is the right partner for you, for one night
or for decades.
If you dread intimacy, being vulnerable, and
heartbreak - an avoidant-dismissive mate is a match made in heaven. Having a
true intimate partner would only enhance your anxiety and amplify your
insecurities to the point of paranoia.
If you are thrill-seeking, reckless, and defiant -
you gravitate towards psychopaths.
Your attachment style is lifelong (though life
goals, choices, and behaviors in relationships can be modified). It makes sure
that whoever you may end up with is always the right partner for you.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Narcissist Makes You Dissociate the Abuse (Grannon-Vaknin Convo EXCERPT).
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Capitalism
is founded on destructive envy and driven by it.
Envy provokes misery, humiliation, and impotent
rage.
The envious cope with their pernicious emotions in
five ways:
1. They attack the perceived source of frustration
in an attempt to destroy it, or "reduce it" to their
"size". Such destructive impulses often assume the disguise of
championing social causes, fighting injustice, touting reform, or promoting an
ideology.
2. They seek to subsume the object of envy by
imitating it. In extreme cases, they strive to get rich quick through criminal
scams, or corruption. They endeavor to out-smart the system and shortcut their
way to fortune and celebrity.
3. They resort to self-deprecation. They idealize
the successful, the rich, the mighty, and the lucky and attribute to them
super-human, almost divine, qualities. At the same time, they humble
themselves. Indeed, most of this strain of the envious end up disenchanted and
bitter, driving the objects of their own erstwhile devotion and adulation to
destruction and decrepitude.
4. They experience cognitive dissonance. These
people devalue the source of their frustration and envy by finding faults in
everything they most desire and in everyone they envy.
5. They avoid the envied person and thus the
agonizing pangs of envy.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Attachment style is stable over the lifespan, but attachment behaviors and internal relationship models change in 30% of people.
Behaviors can be modified to counter effects of attachment style.
Intensity of attachment orientation changes.
The changes are mediated via:
Quality of relationships, type of partner
Traumas
Therapy
Personality Disorders
Life Crises
REFERENCES
Chopik, W. J., Edelstein, R. S., & Grimm, K. J. (2019). Longitudinal changes in attachment orientation over a 59-year period. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 116(4), 598–611. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000167
Attachment styles and close relationships: A four-year prospective study
Lee A. Kirkpatrick, Cindy Hazan
Personal Relationships: Journal of the International Association for Relationship Research, June 1994, https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.1994.tb00058.x
Australian Journal of Educational & Developmental Psychology. Vol 11, 2011, pp. 60- 77
Attachment across the life span: Factors that contribute to stability and change
Megan McConnell, McGill University and Ellen Moss, Université du Québec a Montréal
Why does attachment style change? J Davila 1, D Burge, C Hammen
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, J Pers Soc Psychol. 1997 Oct;73(4):826-38
Personality and Social Psychology Review
Revising Working Models Across Time: Relationship Situations That Enhance Attachment Security
Ximena B. Arriaga, Madoka Kumashiro, Jeffry A. Simpson, et al.
First Published June 2, 2017
Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(2), 226–244. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.61.2.226
John B. Separation, anxiety and anger. In: In Attachment and Loss: Volume II. The Hogarth press and the institute of psycho-analysis; 1973:1-429.
Bretherton I. Updating the ‘internal working model’ construct: Some reflections. Attachment & Human Development. Published online December 1999:343-357. doi:10.1080/14616739900134191
Pietromonaco PR, Barrett LF. The Internal Working Models Concept: What do we Really know about the Self in Relation to Others? Review of General Psychology. Published online June 2000:155-175. doi:10.1037/1089-2680.4.2.155
Bartholomew K, Horowitz LM. Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 1991;61(2):226-244.
Macfie J, Mcelwain NL, Houts RM, Cox MJ. Intergenerational transmission of role reversal between parent and child: Dyadic and family systems internal working models. Attachment & Human Development. Published online March 2005:51-65. doi:10.1080/14616730500039663
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Face to face interactions are critical for our mental health and proper functioning.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The dating scene is infested with autoerotic narcissists. Boundaries are the solution.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Resistance is the coherent deployment of psychological defenses to cope
with ego dystonic information about oneself. It could also be a collective
response. Certain cognitive-behavioral patterns (e.g., repetition compulsion)
are also resistances.
There are four groups of resistances:
1. Comfort zone preservation: maintaining control
by rejecting the unfamiliar and the challenging. This fosters a sense of
safety, predictability, certainty, agency, and self efficacy.
2. Resistance to dread- and panic-inducing
insights and interpretation of the patient’s unconscious processes and the
resulting conscious content, choices, decisions, and behaviors.
3. Cognitive distortions: resistances intended to
buttress and uphold a fantastic, inflated, grandiose, or otherwise unrealistic
sense of self-worth and self-image.
4. Resistances intended to cement and defend a
narrative which provides meaning and structure (organizing and hermeneutic
principles, like science, political or professional affiliation, or religion on
the collective level), direction and goals, and makes sense of the world and of
others (theory of mind and internal working model). In fact, such individual
and collective narratives can be construed as resistances writ large.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
All negative affects can be both interiorized and
externalized: aggression is no exception, but it is the
most well-studied.
One view of depression is that it is a form of
internalized (self-directed) aggression.
But aggression can also be externalized (like in
psychopathy) or sublimated or even institutionalized (like in the army or
police or medical surgery).
Society rewards sublimated aggression (even in
sports and business). This social approbation is anxiolytic and antidepressant.
Mood is reactive to affect. So, it can be
externalized, too.
How do externalized expressions of affects and
attendant moods appear to outside observers?
From the outside, people monitor the actions of
others and do not involve themselves with the deeper strata or with behavioral
etiology. Hence phenomenological psychology.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Transference can be
construed as a form of flashback (revividness): we displace onto a meaningful
figure (like a therapist or an intimate partner) emotions and ideas associated
originally with objects in earlier life.
We relate to the new entrant as if s/he were that
previous figure and project onto them object representations acquired by
earlier introjections.
This way we imbue them with disproportional
significance and interact with them using ingrained behavioral strategies.
We often use projective identification to force
the newcomer to react in ways that uphold this comfort zone, even when the
outcomes are unfavorable to us.
In a way, transference is a
repetition compulsion and so, clinically, a resistance. It serves to
reenact early childhood experiences with a latent hope of redemptive
resolution.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Sam Vaknin ( https://samvak.tripod.com/mediakit.html ) is the author of Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited as well as many other books and ebooks about topics in psychology, relationships, philosophy, economics, international affairs, and award-winning short fiction.
He is Visiting Professor of Psychology, Southern Federal
University, Rostov-on-Don, Russia and Professor of Finance and Psychology in
SIAS-CIAPS (Centre for International Advanced and Professional Studies).
Questions:
Scott Douglas Jacobsen: Our focus today is the proposal of “nothingness” in a specific sense by you. To start in negation, what is not “nothingness,” in your sense?
Professor Sam Vaknin:
Nothingness is not about being a nobody and doing nothing. It is not about self-negation, self-denial, idleness, fatalism, or surrender.
Jacobsen: Following from the previous question, what is nothingness?
Vaknin:
Nothingness is about choosing to be human, not a lobster. It is about putting firm boundaries between you and the world. It is about choosing happiness - not dominance. It is accomplishing from within, not from without. It is about not letting others regulate your emotions, moods, and thinking. It is about being an authentic YOU.
Jacobsen: How does this nothingness connect to Neo-Daoism and Buddhism?
Vaknin:
It would be best to watch this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8ePaN70SyM&t=1s
Jacobsen: We live, as many know, in an era of narcissism. You brought this issue to light in 1995, particularly pathological narcissism. What are the roots of the ongoing rise in individual and collective narcissism?
Vaknin:
The need to be seen and noticed in an overcrowded and terrifyingly atomized world. Ironically, narcissism is a cry for help, a desperate attempt to reconnect. There is no such thing as an “individual”: we are all the products of our interactions with others (object relations). But, increasingly, technology is rendering us self-sufficient and isolated. So, our social instincts metastasize into narcissism: dominance and hierarchy replace sharing and networking.
Jacobsen: How does one choose happiness over dominance, authenticity over being fake, and humanity rather than lobster-kind, with this form of nothingness?
Vaknin:
We need to choose happiness over dominance (be human, not a lobster); Choose Meaning over complexity; Choose fuzziness, incompleteness, imperfection, uncertainty, and unpredictability (in short: choose life) over illusory and fallacious order, structure, rules, and perfection imposed on reality (in short: death); Choose the path over any destination, the journey over any goal, the process over any outcome, the questions over any answers Be an authentic person with a single inner voice, proud of the internal, not the external.
Jacobsen: What is the importance of living a life worth remembering in the philosophy of nothingness?
Vaknin:
Identity depends on having a continuous memory of a life fully lived and actualized. At the end of it all, if your life were a movie, would you want to watch it from beginning to end? Nothingness consists of directing your life in accordance with an idiosyncratic autobiographical script: yours, no one else’s. Being authentic means becoming the single story which only you can tell.
Jacobsen: What type of personality or person can accept nothingness in its fullest sense?
Vaknin:
Only those who are grandiose are incapable of Nothingness. Grandiosity is the illusion that one is godlike and, therefore, encompasses everything and everyone. Grandiosity, therefore, precludes authenticity because it outsources one’s identity and renders it reliant on input from others (hive mind).
Jacobsen: How is nothingness an antidote to narcissism?
Vaknin:
Narcissism is ersatz, the only self is false, others are instrumentalized and used to regulate one’s sense of faux cohering oneness. Nothingness is echt, harking back to the only true, authentic voice, eliminating all other introjects, not using others to regulate one’s internal psychological landscape. Narcissism is alienation, it interpellates in a society of the spectacle. Nothingness gives rise to true intimacy.
Jacobsen: What is the ultimate wisdom in the philosophy of nothingness?
Vaknin:
Identify the only voice inside you that is truly you. Peel the onion until nothing is left behind but its smell. Rid yourself of introjected socialization. Become.
Jacobsen: Then, to conclude, what is the motto or catchphrase of nothingness in this sense?
Vaknin:
Do unto yourself what you want others to do to you.
Jacobsen: Thank you for the opportunity and your time, Professor Vaknin.
Vaknin: Much obliged for having me. Always a pleasure.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I am putting the finishing touches to a cycle
of clinical lectures on addiction, incorporating my new theory of addictions as neurological
baseline states.
The 4 lectures are a cycle:
1. Is Addiction a Disease? (1 lecture)
Is addiction a biological disease or is it a
socially-conditioned response? Is there such a thing as “addictive personality”?
2-3. Personality Disorders and Addiction (two
lectures)
Addictive behaviors such as substance abuse are
much more common in certain personality disorders. Why is that? What are the
aetiological and psychodynamic connection and pathways between the two clinical
entities?
4. Emerging addictions: DSM 5 and Beyond (1
lecture)
New addictions are added every day: to caffeine,
to pornography, to the Internet (social media), prescription drugs (opioids).
Is this proliferation of diagnoses justified? The DSM revised the definitions
of alcohol abuse vs. social and binge drinking. Has it gone too far?
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Many of the things we think we know about psychotherapy and psychology are DEAD WRONG.
Modern psychotherapies are centred around the twin counterfactual
concepts of “individual” or “self” and “choice”.
From a very early age, we are little more than the
sum and intersection of our relationships with others.
Choice is often an illusion. In reality it is
constrained by mental illness, one’s personal history, the costs involved, and
a lack of viable alternatives.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Studies show that young people regard sex as
the opposite of emotional intimacy, they
decouple the two.
They sleep only with people they are unlikely to
“catch feelings for” or who they even actively dislike.
When they do end up being attracted to someone or
get infatuated (limerence), they delay the sex with that person and in some
cases, avoid it altogether.
The sex in the committed relationships of the
young is totally different to the sex they are having with strangers: it is a
lot LESS authentic, it is fake, constrained, and anxious.
The young feel much more comfortable to express
their true sexuality in one night stands because they are unlikely to be judged
or rejected and, even if they were it is no big deal: they don’t care about the
partner and will never see them again.
Casual sex is frequently bad because it is
self-centred, disrespectful of the partner and her needs and pleasure, and
objectifying.
Consequently, while in the initial phases,
relationship sex is more gratifying (there is no “orgasm gap” between men and
women). But, it typically deteriorates into tepid sex or into sexlessness and
results in skyrocketing infidelity among both genders, probably because of the
inability to integrate emotions with sex.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Many of the things we think we know about psychotherapy and psychology are DEAD WRONG.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Father absence has few negative outcomes on children. This is especially true if the mother is "good enough" (Winnicott) and not "dead" (Green). Children's future wellbeing as adults depends crucially on demography and socioeconomic status, not on the presence of the biological father.
Find and Buy MOST of my BOOKS and eBOOKS in my Amazon Store: https://www.amazon.com/stores/page/60F8EC8A-5812-4007-9F2C-DFA02EA713B3
Mooney, A., Oliver, C., & Smith, M. (2009). Impact of Family Breakdown on Children’s Wellbeing: Evidence Review. Department for Children Schools and Families.
Holmes, J., & Kiernan, K. (2010). Fragile Families in the UK: Evidence from the Millennium Cohort Study.
Golombok, S. (2000). Parenting: What Really Counts? London: Routledge.
Bernardi L., & Larenza O. (2018). Variety of Transitions into Lone Parenthood. In Bernardi L., Mortelmans D. (Eds) Lone Parenthood in the Life Course. Life Course Research and Social Policies, pp. 93-108 Springer, Cham.
Millar, J., & Ridge, T. (2009). Relationships of Care: Working Lone Mothers, their Children and Employment Sustainability. Journal of Social Policy, 38(1), 103-121.
Fisher, H., & Low, H. (2015). Financial Implications of Relationship Breakdown: Does Marriage Matter? Review of Economics of the Household, 13(4), 735-769.
Growing up in a Single Parent Family; A Determining factor of Adolescent’s Well-being Ajita Gupta & Seema Kashyap, Advanced Journal of Social Science, ISSN: 2581-3358 Volume 7, Issue 1, pp. 138-144, 2020
Are Children from Divorced Single-Parent Families Disadvantaged? New Evidence from the China Family Panel Studies, Chunni Zhang Department of Sociology, Peking University, Chinese Sociological Review, Volume 52, 2020 - Issue 1
Tuba Demir-Dagdas, Zeynep Isik-Ercan, Seyma Intepe-Tingir & Yasemin, Cava-Tadik (2017): Parental Divorce and Children From Diverse Backgrounds: Multidisciplinary Perspectives on Mental Health, Parent–Child Relationships, and Educational Experiences, Journal of Divorce & Remarriage
Consequences of Divorce-Based Father Absence During Childhood for Young Adult Well-Being and Romantic Relationships Hanita Reuven-Krispin, Dana Lassri, Patrick Luyten, Golan Shahar First published: 03 November 2020
Father absence and adolescent development: a review of the literature, Leah East, Debra Jackson, Louise O'Brien, Journal of Child Health Care, First Published December 1, 2006 https://doi.org/10.1177/1367493506067869
The Consequences of Father Absence By Sara McLanahan & Julien Teitler, Parenting and Child Development in Nontraditional Families, 1st Edition, First Published1998, Psychology Press, eBook ISBN9781410602763
The Role of the Father in Child Development, 5th Edition, Michael E. Lamb
Bocknek E.L. (2020) A Family Systems Perspective on Father Absence, Presence, and Engagement. In: Fitzgerald H.E., von Klitzing K., Cabrera N.J., Scarano de Mendonça J., Skjøthaug T. (eds) Handbook of Fathers and Child Development. Springer, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-030-51027-5_7
Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B, Cross-cultural evidence does not support universal acceleration of puberty in father-absent households, Rebecca Sear, Paula Sheppard, and David A. Coall, Published: 25 February 2019, https://doi.org/10.1098/rstb.2018.0124
Sex-Specific Developmental Effects of Father Absence on Casual Sexual Behavior and Life History Strategy, Jessica A. Hehman & Catherine A. Salmon, Evolutionary Psychological Science volume 5, pages121–130 (2019), Published: 20 September 2018,
Family Relations – Interdisciplinary Journal of Applied Family Science, Trends in the Economic Wellbeing of Unmarried-Parent Families with Children: New Estimates Using an Improved Measure of Poverty, Christopher Wimer, Liana Fox, Irwin Garfinkel, Neeraj Kaushal, Jae Hyun Nam & Jane Waldfogel, Population Research and Policy Review volume 40, pages1253–1276 (2021)
Journal of Marriage and Family, Family Diversity and Child Health: Where Do Same-Sex Couple Families Fit?, Laura Freeman Cenegy, Justin T. Denney, Rachel Tolbert Kimbro, First published: 07 December 2017
Comparison of intergenerational transmission of gender roles between single-parent families and two-parent families: The influence of parental child-rearing gender-role attitudes, Mengping YangabI-Jun, Chena Yunping, Songa Xiaoxiao, Wanga Children and Youth Services Review, Volume 125, June 2021, 105985
Fair comparisons: Life course selection bias and the effect of father absence on US children, Alejandra Rodríguez Sánchez, Advances in Life Course Research, Available online 16 December 2021, 100460
Absent Father Timing and its Impact on Adolescent and Adult Criminal Behavior, Michael F. Ten Eyck, Krysta N. Knox & Sarah A. El Sayed, American Journal of Criminal Justice (2021), 30 August 2021
Father departure and children's mental health: How does timing matter? Emla Fitzsimons, Aase Villadsen, Social Science & Medicine, Volume 222, February 2019, Pages 349-358
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The narcissist is an actor in a
monodrama, yet he is forced to remain behind the scenes.
The scenes take centre stage, instead.
The Narcissist does not cater at all to his own
needs. Contrary to his reputation, the Narcissist does not "love"
himself in any true sense of this loaded word.
The narcissist feeds off other people who hurl
back at him an image that he projects to them. This is their sole function in
his world : to reflect his False Self, to admire him, to applaud his actions,
even to detest and fear him - in a word, to assure him that he exists by giving
him constant attention.
Otherwise, the narcissist feels that they have no
right to tax his time, energy, or emotions.
In the essay, I survey the main body of research about
Narcissism.
The Frequently Asked Questions deal with various
aspects of narcissistic (often abusive) behavior, traits, personality, and
style - and there is much more in the journal entries and in the hundreds of
excerpts from the Narcissistic Abuse Study List.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
In 1995, I coined the phrase “narcissistic abuse” to describe a subtype of abusive behavior that was
all-pervasive (across multiple areas of life) and involved a plethora of
behaviors and manipulative or coercive techniques.
The narcissist’s superego is comprised of
infantile, harsh, sadistic introjects. It is frozen in time, in an early stage
of personal development, devoid of reflective self-awareness. It is much closer
to the Id and leverages its aggression against the self.
The True Self in the unconstellated (unintegrated)
precursor to the Self. It includes introjected object-representation (voices
and inner objects – “avatars” – which represent caregivers, such as parental
figures).
Full interview on the News Intervention website.