Approach-Avoidance Repetition Complex and Fear of Intimacy
Narcissists are afraid of intimacy and commitment.
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It is an established fact that abuse – verbal, psychological, emotional,
physical, and sexual – co-occurs with intimacy. Most reported offenses are
between intimate partners and between parents and children. This defies common
sense. Emotionally, it should be easier to batter, molest, assault, or
humiliate a total stranger. It's as if intimacy CAUSES abuse, incubates and
nurtures it.
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Intimacy Retarding Paranoia
Paranoia is use by the narcissist to ward off or reverse intimacy. The
narcissist is threatened by intimacy because it reduces him to ordinariness by
exposing his weaknesses and shortcomings and by causing him to act
"normally". The narcissist also dreads the encounter with his deep
buried emotions - hurt, envy, anger, aggression - likely to be foisted on him
in an intimate relationship.
The paranoid narrative legitimizes intimacy repelling behaviours such as
keeping one's distance, secrecy, aloofness, reclusion, aggression, intrusion on
privacy, lying, desultoriness, itinerancy, unpredictability, and idiosyncratic
or eccentric reactions. Gradually, the narcissist succeeds to alienate and wear
down all his friends, colleagues, well-wishers, and mates.
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The narcissist does his damnedest to avoid intimacy. He constantly lies about
every aspect of his life: his self, his history, his vocations and avocations,
and his emotions. This false data guarantee his informative lead, asymmetry, or
"advantage" in his relationships. It fosters disintimisation. It
casts a pall of cover up, separateness, mystery over the narcissist's affairs.
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The narcissist divides all women to saints and whores. He finds it difficult to
have sex ("dirty", "forbidden", "punishable",
"degrading") with feminine significant others (spouse, intimate
girlfriend). To him, sex and intimacy are mutually exclusive rather than
mutually expressive propositions.
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People with Personality Disorders (PDs) are very afraid of real, mature,
intimacy. Intimacy is formed not only within a couple, but also in a workplace,
in a neighborhood, with friends, while collaborating on a project. Intimacy is
another word for emotional involvement, which is the result of interactions
with others in constant and predictable (safe) propinquity.
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Narcissists have no interest in emotional or even intellectual stimulation by
significant others. Such feedback is perceived as a threat. Significant others
in the narcissist's life have very clear roles: the accumulation and
dispensation of past Primary Narcissistic Supply in order to regulate current
Narcissistic Supply. Nothing less but definitely nothing more. Proximity and
intimacy breed contempt. A process of devaluation is in full operation
throughout the life of the relationship.
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Inevitably, the sexuality of patients with personality disorders is thwarted
and stunted. In the Paranoid Personality Disorder, sex is depersonalized and
the sexual partner is dehumanized. The paranoid is besieged by persecutory
delusions and equates intimacy with life-threatening vulnerability, a
"breach in the defenses" as it were. the paranoid uses sex to
reassure himself that he is still in control and to quell is anxiety.
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Question:
What is the mechanism behind the cycles of over-valuation (idealization) and
devaluation in the narcissist's life?
Answer:
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Thus, paradoxically, the worst his anguish and unhappiness, the more relieved
and elated such an abuser feels! He is "liberated" and
"unshackled" by his own self-initiated abandonment, he insists. He
never really wanted this commitment, he tells any willing (or buttonholed)
listener – and anyhow, the relationship was doomed from the beginning by the
egregious excesses and exploits of his wife (or partner or friend or boss).
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Thus, on the one hand, the narcissist feels that his freedom depends upon
re-enacting these early experiences. On the other hand, he is terrified by this
prospect. Realizing that he is doomed to go through the same traumas over and
over again, the narcissist distances himself by using his aggression to
alienate, to humiliate and in general, to be emotionally absent.
This behavior brings about the very consequence that the narcissist so fears -
abandonment. But, this way, at least, the narcissist is able to tell himself
(and others) that HE was the one who fostered the separation, that it was fully
his choice and that he was not surprised. The truth is that, governed by his
internal demons, the narcissist has no real choice. The dismal future of his relationships
is preordained.
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In his quest to find new sources, he again embarks on ego-mending bouts of sex,
followed by the selection of a spouse or a mate (a Secondary Narcissistic
Supply Source). Then the cycle re-commence: a sharp drop in sexual activity,
emotional absence and cruel detachment leading to abandonment.
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